“The tragedy is people see you as a victim
and they keep seeing you as a victim
because you talk about the things that hurt you.
Because you talk about your trauma
Because you discuss the thing that tore you apart.
They do not understand that talking about it
Being brave enough to face it
and allowing others
to see all of your vulnerablility
is courage at its rawest.
You are a survivor
because you are not silent
Do not allow others to define your survival
Because they lack the patience
The courage to hear it.”
— NIKITA GILL (Wild Embers: poems of rebellion fire and beauty)
I wanted to share that with all of you because it’s something I’ve wanted to say for the longest time but have never been able to express the way I needed to.
My writing does not victimize me; I have no desire to receive anyone’s pity. No, my writing is the way I let go of things; my writing is what makes me who I am and helps me build myself into the person I want to be. In my writing I am able to encourage myself and make life sound so much more pleasing than it usually is, or, on the other hand, describe the struggles people commonly deal with but are reluctant to talk about. There’s nothing more frustrating than when I write something I have felt or am feeling and I post it, and someone comments saying that everything “gets better” or that “it will be okay.” I already know that; I have already survived that and am on the other side– that’s something I figured out a long time ago. I’m just turning all my struggles into something beautiful and helpful (I hope). What I want to hear is how relatable my characters situation is, or how the words reach out and grab you and wouldn’t let you go until you finished. I want honest opinions, I want compliments and critisism. I don’t want pity.
More importantly, my writing is meant for me, not anyone else– until I’m finished writing it. While I’m writing I am growing, and once I’m finished growing, that’s when I’m beyond excited to share it so that others can grow with me.
One of the worst things I’ve had to deal with associated with my writing is being called into the school’s counselors office to talk (in order to make sure that I wasn’t planning to harm myself), and then having my mom called to take me to the hospital to be watched over– I never went because I didn’t need to; I was completely safe and out of harms way. The only thing the counselor and principal managed to do for me was piss me off and send me to a different school. The thing that they didn’t understand– as a lot of you don’t– is that I’m not worried about anything I write about, and you shouldn’t be either. No matter what my stories consist of, there’s never going to be a time again when there’s going to be any reason to worry about my well-being; there was never a time when my stories were ever more than stories. I write what I’m passionate about and I hope that my stories scare you in a way that makes them seem real, but not in a way that makes you think they’re real for me.
You should also know: I don’t want any help with anything I’m struggling with because I love being the one that fixes me. It makes me feel like a badass. 🙂 The only thing I’m worried about is how my readers are reacting and relating to my blogs and poems. However, I rarely get an feedback on how my writing actually is. So if something touches you, or you REALLY like something I write, I would love to hear from you. I need encouragement in that aspect of my life because without it there’s a huge chance that I’ll quit before I get anywhere. I want to write books and have “New York Time’s Bestseller” typed on the cover. However, I don’t want to be scared to write what’s on my mind just because someone else might freak out and try to hospitalize me when there’s nothing wrong– that’ll only hold me back. I want to write about the realities of life that some of you won’t ever understand, but I don’t want to have to be self-conscious about it. Please understand.