In the Night

In the night,
I’m dreaming of you,
But I’m wishing
I knew
You were dreaming
Of me too.

In the night,
The coldness hits
As I remember the warmth,
And the light
And the soft look in your eyes
And the incredible bliss
As your hand reached up to touch my lips.
As we leaned so close
That the air around us
Had to be shared
And neither of us dared
To say a word.

In the night,
You come to mind,
But that’s not the only time.

I think about you
As I skip our song
Because the memories that come with it are too painful.

I think about you
When I go out with friends
Because I want to be out with you instead.

I think about you
While I’m out on a date
Because there’s just no way
Anybody could ever be fit to stay.

In the night,
You only come to mind
As I wake up from a dream
where me and you
are still a team,
But during the day,
You’re in every little thing.

In the night,
I’m dreaming of you,
But I wish
You could tell me
That you dream of me too.

I Miss You

Tonight I miss you.

I don’t miss you in a love story sort of way.
I miss you in a “you’re no longer part of my day,
My body knows there’s something missing,
out of the norm” type of way.

The fact that I’m saying any of this right now is pretty self-absorbed.
Selfish.
Careless.
Maybe a bit reckless if you may.

But when I’m this tired,
I have nothing more to say than just.
I miss you today.

I miss the way your fingers brushed my lips,
and hands touched my hips.
I miss how your smile brightened my day,
and laugh took all of my fear away.

I don’t really have much more to say
than that
I really miss you today.

I Guess

I’m bad at relationships.

It’s true.

I suck at showing emotion

And giving attention

And growing close to people like..

You,

I guess.

And when I say “people like you”

I’m just referring to the male species.

No offense.

No offense,

While we’re talking about offense,

Remember the time

She told me I was no good for you.

She told me…

No offense, of course..

That I’m just basically, like, worthless.

I guess…

And then remember when

You sat beside me

With my hand in yours

And you told me

You don’t understand

Why you’re not good enough for me,

And all I could manage to do was stare,

Straight ahead,

As you cried,

And I just thought if I died…

Everything would be okay..

That you’d finally see,

How bad you were hurting me.

Of course,

You were the only one hurting…

You were hurting so bad,

Because you couldn’t understand

Why I couldn’t see

How a guy who was cutting himself

Was just somehow only using me.

And you said he was just looking for attention,

Which, no offense, right?

But was I just looking for attention too?

As I cut into my own skin,

Was I just using you?

But you loved me,

Didn’t you?

You loved me so much…

Everyday you told me such.

You said

“Baby, all I need is you.”

“Why can’t you just need me too?”

And you know…

I knew what it meant to be dating you…

I only had eyes for you…

But as long as I had male friends…

You know what,

I can see where “whore” came from too.

I guess.

Oh,

That brings us here,

This one unforgettable time,

When you called me a whore

And convinced my friends I was one too.

Of course,

No offense was taken,

Because honestly,

What else could I have been to you?

But I’ll never forget the messages that were sent..

“Why do you have to be such a whore.”

From a dear friend.

“Dude, he’s hurting.”

“Why do you have to do this to him?”

With no friends,

And a boyfriend I couldn’t understand,

I had nowhere to put these things,

No way to express my feelings,

Except through the tearing of once

Very beautiful,

Skin.

I mean,

I was only up until 2 In the morning

begging for a breath or a few.

Maybe a friend or two.

Sometimes holding a razor

To cut out whatever made my throat so tight.

But who are we kidding?

Am I right?

I was just a liar,

Just messing with you.

But you loved me,

Didn’t you?

You loved me

so I tried to love you back too.

And I loved as hard as I could,

For as long as my heart would.

I tried to be good enough,

But trying is never enough

For someone like…

You,

I guess.

And when I say someone like you…

I’m not talking about the male species anymore.

I’m talking about someone already broken

And confused

And unsure of how to love an already broken me.

Someone who’s been used

And dumped

And abused

And consumed by thoughts of

Past cheaters

And liars

And whores—

And everything else you said I was being…

I guess.

Not that I should be the one to talk.

I mean,

There’s always a little truth

Behind those nasty words…

Right?

If it stings,

There’s a reason.

I guess.

I mean,

I could be wrong.

I’m wrong all the time.

But you deserve someone

Who can be enough

And give enough

Without feeling paper thin.

You deserve someone strong enough

And loving enough—

Someone who will never leave you feeling…

Unwanted,

Worthless,

Despised,

Useless,

And alien.

You deserve so much more than you gave.

So much more than I was able to give.

You deserve a lifetime of love.

When Words Fail

He asks her if she loves him
and all she can do is nod.
He asks her why she chose him
and when she can’t answer,
she’s obviously no more than a fraud.

But–

What he doesn’t know is that
She loves him more than she can ever express
and she chose him for more reasons
that she can ever address.

She loves him with a love so deep
that the bottom of the ocean floor can’t even compete.
She loves him with a love so fierce
that the sharpest knife it never could pierce.

She chose him for the way
his smile lights up her entire day.
She chose him for the pain
he so easily takes away.

She would tell him,
if she had the words
that
Her love will never falter
or break what’s inside of him.
For she knows that he’s special
and he fills her to the brim.

She would tell him,
if she had the words
that
She will choose him over and over again
even when things seem to be grim.
If nothing else,
just because
the showing of her love has yet to begin.

Over The Mid-line

ATTENTION: This is indeed a situation I’ve found myself in, note how I described it as an autobiographical narrative; however, I am no longer dealing with thoughts or situations like this. Just enjoy the read!
———————–

Moriah Kiepke
Mrs. Blanchette
English II, P. 5
April 17, 2018
Autobiographical Narrative

Nobody tells you about the pain life will inflict upon you, or the heartbreak and self hate that may torment you all your waking hours. Nobody tells you about crippling depression or addiction to self harm. Nobody warns you that you’re probably going to be the person that will end up destroying you, and if you’re not, then it’ll be the person you love the most. And they certainly will never tell you that sometimes it’s both. The toughest part of it all, however, is finding the strength to save yourself in the midst of it all– when there is no strength left.

I find myself fighting for everything as I reach a speed of 45 miles an hour. My mind begins wandering, and as my speed increases, insults come just as quick. Why can’t I do anything right? I’m so freaking stupid. I’m at 55 miles an hour five seconds later. Why can’t I be good enough? I don’t belong here. Now I’m going 70 miles an hour in a 65… Would anyone miss me if I was gone? Three more seconds later and I’m at 85 miles an hour with the pedal to the floor… if I just close my eyes.

If I close my eyes and let the car drift in whichever direction it chooses, and I just relax and give into my exhausted body it won’t be suicide. It’ll just be another unfortunate accident. So, I let my droopy eyes close and let my numbness overtake me. I can’t wait until the crash– the moment I finally feel something. Maybe if I don’t die first, the pain will finally wake me up from this exhausting slumber I’m drifing in and out of. Maybe the physical pain will override all this mental pain that just won’t seem to heal. This is my only chance at getting better– this is the only help I need.

I let out a sigh and open my eyes. I didn’t even let enough time pass for me to cross over the mid-line. My helplessness returns, and my calmness fades while my anxiety reboots my heart. I look down at my speedometer and read 102. That’s fast enough to lose control with just a simple jerk to the right, or even better, to the left while a semi is only a few yards ahead. However, I can’t just make myself endanger someone else, so instead I take out my phone and begin texting a friend.

“Hey, thanks for letting me come over.” I type, taking my time and not looking up towards the road until I double check and then triple check my spelling and grammar. You know, just to be sure I don’t make myself sound stupid and illiterate. Once the text is sent, I gently lay my phone on the seat beside me, taking my time to make sure that the ringer is on and that I can easily reach over to pick it back up once I get a text back. I’m oddly disappointed when I look up to find a dead road. I’m alone here, just like everywhere else, and apparently driving dangerously is not my thing– I somehow managed to stay in my lane.

I feel dread rush through every part of my being as I realize I’m almost home now. A black, thick curtain falls on top of me and the suffocation begins. A song comes on the radio that brings back memories of my former boyfriend and now on top of everything else, tears start leaking down my cheeks. I slam my hands down on my steering wheel and sob, wanting nothing more than an end to this aching in my bones. My heart races and my breaths become short and sporatic making me light headed. I want to die.

God, please let me die.

Let me die.

Please, just let me die.

I hear my phone ding as a text comes in, and this time, I make sure to drive myself into the middle of the road, pedal to the floor, gaining speed at 110 miles an hour before I pick up my phone. There’s no way I’m messing this up again.

“Of course! You’re welcome anytime!” The text reads. And then another one comes in right after:

“Put your phone down while you’re driving. :)”

I almost laugh at the ridiculousness of this. I start to steer with my elbows, still in the middle of the road, as I text back.

“Texting and driving at 120 miles an hour isn’t dangerous is it? Haha.”

Part of me hopes that this friend of mine will call me– will call me and calm me down. Another part of me worries that they’ll take things to another level and call my parents instead. The thought of my parents hearing about this makes me heart stop dead in it’s tracks. I don’t need their nagging and worry on top of everything else.

“Slow down!” The next text reads.

“I think I’m good actually.” I send back. “Don’t worry though. I’ll be fine.”

In anger I throw my phone on the floor. Angry at myself. Angry at the fact that that’s all my friend has to say. Angry that they didn’t even realize that this was me telling them that I’m struggling. Angry at the whole world for damning me.

But mostly. I’m just tired.

I slowly get back into my lane and decrease my speed. I set my cruise at 65 miles an hour until I turn on my street.

I pull into my driveway.

I’m numb.

I turn off the engine.

I’m tired.

I walk into the house.

I want to die.

My parents say hi.

I smile as wide as I can and I make sure to make everyone laugh.

I’m okay.

You and Me

Love,
my love,
I give you my heart,
completely free of charge.

Now
Open it up
and dissect its parts
to see how deep
my love flows.

I’m sure inside
you’ll find many things.
There will be ugly parts
with deep rooted scars
and things you wish you wouldn’t have seen.
But woven between
you’ll find a river of love
that is only meant for you and me.

I hope when you see
the tears around the seams
that you will sew them all back up.
If what you see, however, is too much
and I’m just plain out of good luck,
promise me you’ll safely hand me back the key.

But promise me,
if you keep the key,
that you’re love won’t come with a fee.
That you’ll keep my heart
where you can easily see
when it starts to fall apart.

And if it does,
if it falls apart,
please,
don’t hesitate,
don’t freeze.
Just pull it close,
and keep it warm,
until it takes back it’s original form.

Love,
My love,
If by chance
you find your love
flows as deep as mine,
just hand me the key,
it’ll be fine–
I’d love to take a peek.

I promise to hold your heart safely
as for refuge in me you seek.

I will never let go,
for your heart is pure gold
and too precious to give up.

Sweetheart,
I hope
I never have to let go
of this thing between you and me.

Love,
my love,
there’s no greater love
than the one between you and me.

Apple of Your Father’s Eye

Dear future daughter,

Hear me when I say

You are the center of my world

And the apple of your father’s eye.

My dear precious little girl,

Listen as I tell you

Not to settle for less than you deserve

And not to set a limit to the height of your sky.

Dearest,

I want you to know that my love for you

Will only ever grow.

And that when you’re sad

I’ll be sad too,

But don’t be afraid to let your feelings show.

My love,

Someday your love

Will no longer be only mine to carefully keep.

However, when part of you gets broken

By the guy you thought for you’d never weep,

I’ll be here to mop up the mess

Or just hold you again

Tightly against my breast.

My child,

Always

Hold your head up high

But not so high that your nose is upturned.

Always

Walk with pride,

But speak humbly.

Always

Be brave,

But watch where you place your next step.

Always

Be confident,

But know your place.

Most importantly though–

Always

Shine in our heavenly Father’s grace.

Sweetheart,

Trust me when I tell you

That there is no greater love

Than the love that comes from above.

Trust me when I tell you

That He loves you more

Than even I can

Or any other human man.

Trust me when I tell you

That He made you in His pure hands

Without any doubt that you’ll grow

And change the layout of these cruel lands.

Baby girl,

You are magnificent

And strong

And intelligent

And more loved than you’ll ever know.

Each day,

As I watch you grow,

And hear your laugh for the first time;

As you take your first steps,

And wiggle your toes;

As my name becomes mommy,

And that’s the only name our house knows;

As you ask new questions,

And learn your ABC’s

My heart swoons with a love that will never decrease.

Dear future daughter,

Whenever the time comes that we meet,

Just know that this world was made for you and your own two feet

And there’s no where you can’t go

With the powerful love that will never deplete.

Conquered

“Liar.”
“You’re none of the things you stand for.”
“You’re not nice.”
“You’re not compassionate.”
“Liar.”

“You don’t know what kindness is.”
“You don’t know how to be a friend.”
“You do not forgive, forgive, forgive.”
“You are not who you say you are.”
“Liar.”

And the one that somehow stung the worst–

“There’s no reason to take this personally–
I’m just telling you what I think.
You’re not as good as you say you are.”

and

“I can’t stick around to watch you hurt him again.
You used him.
I stayed and watched you use him.
You’re a fucking liar.
Why can’t you just
not be a whore.
I honestly don’t blame him.
I don’t blame him for not wanting you.”

“Liar…”

I have one thing to say to you-
Screw you.
Screw you and your doubt inducing,
un-instigated,
self-righteous
put-downs.

I latched onto your words.
I latched onto the liar
you told me I was.

I detached myself from
the person I wanted to be
to believe in something
I never even was.

I believed in the whore
you religiously wished me to be.

I was determined to hate myself
the way you hated everything
you knew I wasn’t–
But prayed cruely
that I would believe I was
so you could
rise higher than me
and watch me sink below.

But my dear–

I have grown into something that
you can only pray to someday see.

I have risen to the top of the mountain
you were trying to climb.
I fought and fought
to reach this point.
You fought and fought
not to rise,
but to grab my ankles and drag me down.

As I rest for a moment–
Waiting to catch this breath
that I’ve lost looking out
over the beauty of everything
I conquered–

As I rest for a moment–
waiting to begin the next climb–

I can only hope
that you make it this far–
To see how beautiful it can be
to let go of the things holding you down.

To rise steadily on your own,
without trying to climb over someone else.

I hope you rise
and become the person
I know you can be.

Rise
and feel
the release of a million weights
of unforgiveness
shed
like leaves in the fall.

Breathing

Breathing.
What even is the reason? Why should you have to take another breath when each and every one hurts? When living seems to only be a curse? When life seems to be too much to bear anymore, and nothing interests you, not even the things you used to adore? When the world seems to have turned its back on you, and none of your confidants have come through?

Breathing.
Because you still have many breaths inside of you, and the world needs your smile to breakthrough… to melt the hearts that have turned cold, and to free the minds that are being controlled. You are stronger and braver than you think. You’ve been on the brink of something scarier than any shallow mind will ever be able to perceive. So look up and just let yourself breathe.

Breathing.
Because there isn’t a time to give up. Life may be hard and maybe you don’t see anything in the future, but back up… Don’t worry about what comes next; worry about what happens in this context, right now. If your lungs burn with every breath and your legs threaten to give out, then fall to your knees and take a bow. Remember that God makes everything beautiful in time, and that he would never go against you in any sort of crime. To him you are beautiful, and wonderful, and smart, and perfectly made, and each breath you take puts a smile on his face. When your heart aches, his does too, but he can only take your pain if you allow him to. He’s done it once, he will do it again. Just talk to him in Jesus name amen.

Now close your eyes, breath in, breathe out. Feel the weight on your shoulders lighten and the darkness in your heart bailout. Now can you see…that you’re loved beyond measure and without a doubt?

Breathing.
Don’t stop doing it now.

Needs4 L.I.F.E.

I’m excited to announce that Needs4 LIFE is starting January 12th of 2018 from 7pm – 9pm! The leaders as of right now are Jesse Sternke, Samuel Ellis, and me. If you’re interested in helping out, feel free to stop by at Community Bible Church in Pierre, SD during one of our first few meetings! (there’s a meeting every Friday at the time stated above unless said otherwise). If you’re in the age range of 14- 19, then we would love to have you as part of the entire group!

Why should you come?

First of all, I’m going to promise you that you’ll get something life changing out of this organization/program–whether you’re a leader or a student. You’ll learn how to deal with mental illnesses yourself, and how to help out a friend as well. Plus, the entire program is confidential. You can say anything you need to, and you can find someone to confide in. The last thing we want is to lose your trust, but we will earn it. We know how it feels to count on someone totally and completely and how much it hurts for that trust to be broken. So we can promise you that we will do our very best to be what you need, whether it be just a distraction, a friend, or a confidant.

Second of all, it is going to be LIT. There will be games and possibly a few fun nights! There will be goal setting and self- improvement opportunities– because who doesn’t want to take the opportunity to become even better than they already are?! There will also be challenges and tons of YouTube videos. And those are just a few of the things you’ll be a part of.

Finally, if you’re hesitant about coming because you don’t want to share things or because you don’t know what to expect, please don’t worry! We won’t make you do anything that you don’t want to do! Just come hang out with us! We’re excited to meet you!! 😊

If you have questions feel free to message me @ 1 (605) 280- 7513 or email me: miepke00@gmail.com